For those of you not privy to the allusion in the headline, OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF, that is a famous quote from one of the best comedies of all time, “Dumb and Dumber.”
Well, the Colorado Rockies have been a comedy of errors of late, and although they are not becoming dumb and dumber, they certainly are getting worse and worser.
I realize worser is not an actual word, but Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne would be proud of me for using it.
Here are some reasons why the Rockies are getting worser, with the help of several classic “Dumb and Dumber” quotes sprinkled throughout. (Some quotes are partially altered to make more sense from a Rockies standpoint.)
Expectations were soaring high at the beginning of the season for the Rockies. And early on, they lived up to the hype, leading the division for the first month of the season. But since their 11-2 start, they have scuffled badly, going 13-24, and currently sit in third place in the NL West. I expected the Colorado Rockies to be a little rockier than this. Yeah, That John Denver’s full of s—, man. Regardless of what John Denver may or may not have thought, the Rockies are in a serious funk.
A huge factor for the Rockies recent woes is their inability to win at home. Historically speaking, the Rockies have always been tough to beat in the friendly confines of Coors Field – A place where the beer flows like wine and where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. The beer continues to flow and the women continue to flock, but the fans have not witnessed too much winning of late. The Rockies just ended a seven game home stand with an unimpressive 2-5 record, and are under .500 at home this season (13-15).
In the beginning of the season, Tulo was flexing his muscles, absolutely crushing the ball. Ooh, look at the buns on that one. Yeah, he must work out. But since his hot start, Tulo has cooled off immensely, and the Rockies clean-up hitter is currently hitting a pedestrian .246.
Another one of the Rockies’ franchise players, Ubaldo Jimenez, is also still searching for his form. Last year, he finished 3rd in the NL CY Young voting, and was un-hittable at times. This year, however, he has been very hittable. In Ubaldo’s most recent outing, he relinquished 12 hits to the Cardinals. After nine starts he has yet to even record a win (0-5). Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. If the Rockies are going to turn this thing around they are going to need Jimenez, especially with De La Rosa sidelined for the season. If he can start posting some victories, he still has a chance to totally redeem himself!
Todd Helton, who is 37 years old, has been the Rockies most consistent hitter, leading the team with a .303 average. Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. Props to Helton for keeping his mojo going, but the Rockies are going to need more production from their young guns if they are going to succeed.
The off-season acquisitions of Jose Lopez and Ty Wigginton are not paying dividends. You signed two free agents this whole time that have not lived up to the hype. Uh yea, it’s the Rockies. Jeez! Wigginton has been mediocre at best and Lopez has already been designated for assignment. It’s never good when you give a player millions of dollars to play in your minor league system.
There’s no question about it, the Rockies are in a rut, having lost 8 of their last 10. Well, it’s not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We’re in a hole. We’re just going to have to dig ourselves out.
And that’s the best part of baseball. There is still plenty of time for the Rockies to start digging, even with how poorly they have played of late. There are 110 games left and the Rockies are only 3 and half games back in the division.
So you’re telling me there’s a chance?
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