John Denver is probably turning over in his grave. Remember his iconic song “Rocky Mountain High”? Great tune. Well, Colorado’s beloved baseball team has reached a new Rocky Mountain Low.
John Denver, may he rest in peace, would not be happy with the Rockies right now.
The Rockies have hit Rox bottom, posting a putrid 33-52 record going into the All-star break. Almost twenty games below .500! It’s almost one of the franchise’s worst records ever going into the mid-summer classic. They were 31-56 in 2005, and 33-54 in 1993, which was the Rockies inaugural season.
And, if they had not pulled out their most recent victory, they would have garnered the dubious distinction of having the worst record in baseball at the All-Star break. Currently, the Rockies are a half-game better than the Houston Astros, who have only won nine games on the road this year! The Rockies have the same record as the Cubs for gosh sakes, who have been loveable losers for over one hundred years.
So, as sad as it is to say, the Rockies are officially one of the worst teams in baseball. Wow…I don’t think I have ever written that before. Let’s be honest. The Rockies have stunk up the place historically, still have never won their division, and have only made the playoffs three times. But they have generally been at least a middle of the pack type of team. Good, but not great. Sometimes competitive, but not elite. Respectable at times.
Well, this year the Rockies are not competitive or respectable. I think laughable is a more appropriate word. According to our friends at ESPN.com, the Rockies POFF (% chance of making the playoffs) is at 0.4%. And that miniscule number is even still too high, and it’s laughable to even mention the playoffs and the Rockies in the same sentence. The Rockies still have 76 games left in the 2012 campaign, but for all intense and purposes, the season is over. That’s depressing. And on the Rockies current pace, this will be the Rockies worst season in the history of the franchise. That’s even more depressing.
I realize the Blake Street Bulletin has been emanating a lot of negative energy regarding the Rockies disappointing season recently, so instead of just bashing the team and the front office, and dissecting why this season has been a mess, I’m just going to rattle off creative ways to say the Rockies are lousy.
If the Rockies were sponsored by a local microbrewery, it would be the Rock Bottom Brewery.
The Rockies pitching staff loves frequenting a local Denver bar called Altitude, in honor of their astronomical ERA. The Rockies team ERA is 5.26, which is dead last in the league. They are the only team in baseball with a staff ERA that is over five.
It they were leasing a property, they would have to rent out the basement. The Rockies are in last place in the National League West.
The official department store of the current Rockies team is Lowe’s, based off their current win total.
If the entire Rockies team went snorkeling right now, they would be swimming in the Mariana Trench.
The Rockies current clothing store sponsor is Guess, because you never know what kind of offense the Rockies will produce. They can score eleven runs one game, and then score ten runs over the next six games.
The Rockies favorite television show is “Lost,” because sometimes the Rockies defense looks lost on the diamond. Their 68 errors are the fourth most in baseball.
Their favorite daytime soap opera has to be “General Hospital,” because of the key injuries the Rockies have endured. (i.e. Tulo, Nicasio, etc.)
The Rockies favorite room in most homes is the cellar.
They truly have reached a new Rocky Mountain Low. Sorry John Denver.
Follow Zach Cohn on twitter @zscohn1.
Loading ...
Loading tweets...
9 comments
Ron Kearns
July 10, 2012 at 9:04 AM (UTC -6)
The ESPN MLB power rankings have the Pebble Mountains at #30. I used to say their motto was: We’re not the Cubs! Need a new motto. But, we have a great locker room and a slow heartbeat.
Dave
July 10, 2012 at 10:00 AM (UTC -6)
Hey, at least we have GREAT Clubhouse Culture!
Bret Pittenger
July 10, 2012 at 3:20 PM (UTC -6)
Bang
TR
July 10, 2012 at 11:43 PM (UTC -6)
DICK.,,,,,,,,,,CHUCK………. Sell the team!
Zolla
July 11, 2012 at 1:16 PM (UTC -6)
Enough bashing for one season. Aside from the obvious (firing the Monforts and O’Dowd), how can it be fixed?
Jerry
July 11, 2012 at 2:05 PM (UTC -6)
You know, I’m in tune with Zolla’s comment. Zach, while your witty bashing brought a good chuckle, maybe it’s time to start to identifying SPECIFIC
Jerry
July 11, 2012 at 2:13 PM (UTC -6)
continued:
… sorry about the disconnect. I wanted to just express whether there might be some very specific actions that the knowledgeable fans can provide other than the now-overused panacea of firing DOD and selling the team. What assistant G.M.’s are out there that might relish the challenge of fixing this mess? What managers … past or present … would even considering tackling this re-build? What free agents will become available after this season that would reasonably consider coming to the Rox? Do just bring up the farm talent in toto for 2013, write the year off and let them develop for hopeful success in ’14 and beyond? I’m a season tix holder and am not happy with the product, for sure, but it’s time for some constructive commenting. I’m sure many of the astutte BSB readers have some concrete, specific suggestions.
Brendan Giles
July 11, 2012 at 4:27 PM (UTC -6)
The solution revolves around new blood in the front office. I don’t believe that the Monforts are bad owners: they spend reasonable amounts of money on the team ($78M payroll is just about $5M below the league median; about one average veteran contract) and allow the front office to acquire players without interference. The accusations of them being cheap are no longer really applicable. The problem with the Monforts is that they are loyal to a fault and cannot come to terms with the fact that O’Dowd needs to go. Loyalty is a great feature and a willingness to “weather the storm” can certainly lead to prosperity, but 13 seasons is enough of a sample size to determine that 9 last/second to last finishes is more than a “storm” and is actually chronic ineptitude. The 2007 season was an absolute fluke (accomplishing something that has never been done before in the history of the game should not be considered “normal”) and has hurt the Rockies long term by convincing ownership that the current staff can get to the World Series. The Monforts desperately need a third party to evaluate the entire organization and generate a list of recommendations for both short term and long term improvement. O’Dowd has an enviable job: his bosses know nothing about what he is doing and are convinced that he is some kind of savant, results be damned. Until there is another voice in the Monforts’ ears to put some perspective on O’Dowd’s actions there will be nothing but the same old excuses and losing seasons. I know you are looking for answers other than “fire DOD!”, but there really is no other option. New manager? New players? New strategies? None of those are going to work in isolation because the guy making the decisions has no track record of success and is not accountable to anyone. The ideas have gotten stale at 20th and Blake and it is time for some new voices.
Pete
July 11, 2012 at 7:23 PM (UTC -6)
My biggest concern for the rest of this year is the setbacks of De la Rosa. If he isn’t able to continue his rehab to the point of making 3-4 starts in September, then I fear he won’t be able to help us much next year. We absolutely need him back and at full speed. We will still need pitching, we will ALWAYS need a ton of pitching, and we still need to fill in the holes in the everyday lineup. But I can enjoy baseball games, root for the ROX, think of things I would do if I were GM, etc… and enjoy the season. Frustrating? Oh yeah. DOD have to go? Certainly! Tracy not able to get the job done? Yep. But it is so cool to watch a great pitching performance, remember that thrilling clutch hit, that game-saving diving catch, that key stolen base, etc… I’m still watching and rooting for the Rox, no one, not even DOD can make me give up on the team.