John Denver is probably turning over in his grave. Remember his iconic song “Rocky Mountain High”? Great tune. Well, Colorado’s beloved baseball team has reached a new Rocky Mountain Low.
The Rockies have hit Rox bottom, posting a putrid 33-52 record going into the All-star break. Almost twenty games below .500! It’s almost one of the franchise’s worst records ever going into the mid-summer classic. They were 31-56 in 2005, and 33-54 in 1993, which was the Rockies inaugural season.
And, if they had not pulled out their most recent victory, they would have garnered the dubious distinction of having the worst record in baseball at the All-Star break. Currently, the Rockies are a half-game better than the Houston Astros, who have only won nine games on the road this year! The Rockies have the same record as the Cubs for gosh sakes, who have been loveable losers for over one hundred years.
So, as sad as it is to say, the Rockies are officially one of the worst teams in baseball. Wow…I don’t think I have ever written that before. Let’s be honest. The Rockies have stunk up the place historically, still have never won their division, and have only made the playoffs three times. But they have generally been at least a middle of the pack type of team. Good, but not great. Sometimes competitive, but not elite. Respectable at times.
Well, this year the Rockies are not competitive or respectable. I think laughable is a more appropriate word. According to our friends at ESPN.com, the Rockies POFF (% chance of making the playoffs) is at 0.4%. And that miniscule number is even still too high, and it’s laughable to even mention the playoffs and the Rockies in the same sentence. The Rockies still have 76 games left in the 2012 campaign, but for all intense and purposes, the season is over. That’s depressing. And on the Rockies current pace, this will be the Rockies worst season in the history of the franchise. That’s even more depressing.
I realize the Blake Street Bulletin has been emanating a lot of negative energy regarding the Rockies disappointing season recently, so instead of just bashing the team and the front office, and dissecting why this season has been a mess, I’m just going to rattle off creative ways to say the Rockies are lousy.
If the Rockies were sponsored by a local microbrewery, it would be the Rock Bottom Brewery.
The Rockies pitching staff loves frequenting a local Denver bar called Altitude, in honor of their astronomical ERA. The Rockies team ERA is 5.26, which is dead last in the league. They are the only team in baseball with a staff ERA that is over five.
It they were leasing a property, they would have to rent out the basement. The Rockies are in last place in the National League West.
The official department store of the current Rockies team is Lowe’s, based off their current win total.
If the entire Rockies team went snorkeling right now, they would be swimming in the Mariana Trench.
The Rockies current clothing store sponsor is Guess, because you never know what kind of offense the Rockies will produce. They can score eleven runs one game, and then score ten runs over the next six games.
The Rockies favorite television show is “Lost,” because sometimes the Rockies defense looks lost on the diamond. Their 68 errors are the fourth most in baseball.
Their favorite daytime soap opera has to be “General Hospital,” because of the key injuries the Rockies have endured. (i.e. Tulo, Nicasio, etc.)
The Rockies favorite room in most homes is the cellar.
They truly have reached a new Rocky Mountain Low. Sorry John Denver.
Follow Zach Cohn on twitter @zscohn1.